There is a scene early in The Sopranos where Tony asks his therapist whether his son is simply doomed to inherit his worst traits, the way he inherited his own father’s. Her answer is a relief to anyone who has ever worried about this: genetics are only part of the story. The same turns out to be true for the animals at the other end of your leash. Your dog or cat arrived with a genetic hand, sure, but a growing pile of research says the way you raise them measurably shapes who they become.
First, the reassuring part: they really do see you as a parent
If you have ever felt slightly silly for thinking of yourself as your pet’s parent, the science is on your side. A 2015 study found that when dogs and their people gazed into each other’s eyes or shared some affectionate petting, both experienced a rise in oxytocin, the so-called love hormone. That is the same mutual hormonal loop seen between human parents and newborns, and it helps cement the bond between them.
Cats, so often cast as aloof, tell a similar story. A 2019 study led by researcher Kristyn Vitale found that cats form distinct attachment styles to their humans, closely mirroring the patterns seen in child-parent relationships, and that most cats genuinely use their person as a source of comfort. Attachment, in other words, appears to be an adaptation of the ancient offspring-caretaker bond, repurposed for the couch.
The finding that should change how you parent a dog
Here is the part worth acting on. In a 2022 study published in Animal Cognition, researchers Lauren Brubaker and Monique Udell surveyed dog owners about their parenting approach, specifically their expectations for their dogs and how responsive they were to their dogs’ needs. Borrowing a framework from human developmental psychology, they sorted owners into three familiar styles:
- Authoritative: high expectations paired with high responsiveness.
- Authoritarian: high expectations with low responsiveness.
- Permissive: low expectations and low responsiveness.
The dogs then went through three tests measuring their attachment to their owner, their sociability, and their ability to work a treat-dispensing puzzle toy with varying amounts of help. The differences were clear. Dogs of authoritative owners came out ahead, showing more security, more resilience under stress, and more persistence at problem-solving, benefits that echo what is seen in human children raised the same way. Dogs of authoritarian owners were more insecurely attached, and dogs of permissive owners were more likely to take social cues from a stranger than from their own person. Neither of those groups cracked the puzzle.
The nuance matters, because permissive parenting comes from a loving place. Plenty of devoted owners shower their dogs with warmth while quietly skipping the “high expectations” half of the equation.
“The word ‘expectations’ scares people off, because it sounds strict,” says Dr. Lena Park. “It isn’t. It means consistent rules, reward-based training, and letting your dog work things out instead of solving everything for them. That combination of warmth and structure is what builds a confident, secure animal, and the best news is it’s never too late to start.”
Cats are watching us, too
Dogs are not the only ones absorbing our influence. A 2019 study surveyed cat owners about their own personalities using the Big Five framework, agreeableness, conscientiousness, extroversion, neuroticism, and openness, then lined the answers up against how their cats were doing, in both wellness and temperament. The correlations were striking. Owners who scored higher in agreeableness tended to have friendlier, healthier cats; high conscientiousness lined up with cats showing less anxious and avoidant behavior; and high neuroticism was associated with more stress-related illness in cats. As study author Lauren Finka has noted, cats seem to be highly attuned to their people and molded by how we treat and engage with them day to day.
The practical upshot is that cats, like dogs, can build confidence through positive, reward-based training. Consider one of the most stressful moments in any cat’s life: the trip to the vet. In a 2018 study, 22 cats were split into two groups, and half were trained with their favorite treats to be comfortable in their carrier for a mock vet visit. Those trained cats were noticeably less stressed and got through their appointments faster than the untrained group, proof that a little coaching helps a cat move through the human world with more ease.
What newer thinking adds
The direction all of this points, reward-based rather than punishment-based interaction, is no longer a fringe idea. It is now the mainstream professional consensus. Leading veterinary behavior bodies advise that training and behavior work rely on positive reinforcement rather than fear, pain, or intimidation, precisely because coercive methods tend to raise anxiety and erode the very trust these studies show matters so much. In practice, that means the “authoritative” recipe is not just what the data favors, it is what the field now recommends.
One useful way to frame it, drawing on Udell’s work, is that positive reinforcement teaches your pet how to secure what they need in a home where people hold nearly all the levers. So much of what we call misbehavior is simply a pet who has not learned how to ask. Reward-based training spells out which action earns the result they are after, when that result is on the table, and that you are the reliable source of help in the room.
Don’t spiral about it
If you are now anxiously reviewing every choice you have ever made, stop, because stress is bad for your cat, apparently, and not great for your dog either. The researchers themselves are gentle on this point: the most important thing is to love and enjoy your pet, knowing the affection runs both ways. If you want to do better, a positive-reinforcement training class with a reputable trainer is a great place to start. So is play, which is genuinely important to a pet’s development, and making sure they get enough exercise. Your cat may never buy you a “World’s Best Mom” mug, but they will move through the world a little more confidently, and that is the whole point.
References
- Nagasawa M, et al. Oxytocin-Gaze Positive Loop and the Coevolution of Human-Dog Bonds. Science, 2015.
- Vitale KR, Behnke AC, Udell MAR. Attachment bonds between domestic cats and humans. Current Biology, 2019.
- Pratsch L, et al. Carrier training cats reduces stress on transport to a veterinary practice. Applied Animal Behaviour Science, 2018.
- American Veterinary Society of Animal Behavior. Position Statement on Humane Dog Training.
